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Showing posts from January, 2016

An Unexpected Gift

This week I came to the realization that for us, 'real life' is what has made this past year so difficult. There have been many things that have happened that I can't or choose not to express here, that have complicated things for us. For the past year I've kept thinking that if we would have time to just grieve it would all be so much easier. Take away the complexities of life outside of grief and more healing would take place. That's not reality though. Life goes on. This is one of the reasons I so badly wanted to go away for January 23rd--Mikail's heaven birthday. Take away work (and the work cell phone), school, relationships, facebook, email, phone calls and see what would happen. It was glorious!!

We went to the Grand Sirenis Riviera Maya Hotel and Spa near Playa del Carmen, Mexico and my parents joined us. We chose to be internet free during our week and oh how wonderful that was. I didn't cook once, and the food was absolutely fabulous. We truly re…

Joy Bursts

In the 'grief world' there's this thing called 'grief bursts' which happen when some of the extremely sad feelings we've already experienced come at us again several months after Mikail's death. Grief bursts can also happen after a year or more. Sometimes something acts as a trigger and catches us by surprise: a song, a little boy at the grocery store, a place, a character in a movie or even just simply the smell of a season changing. During these grief bursts it is as if we're confronted with Mikail's death for the first time, all over again.  As time goes by, these grief bursts become less and less, although they are just as shocking and sad as though Mikail just past away hours ago instead of a year ago.

We are very aware of these grief bursts, but lately we've been noticing something happening more and more: "joy bursts". Not sure if that's really a term, but I am making it up. Most of our days have simply been driven by sh…

Sometimes He Speaks Through the Clouds

It's one of those grey, gloomy winter days at our house today. The snow squalls off Lake Huron are making our world a winter wonderland, yet with it come the clouds.  I was sitting at our kitchen table looking out at the river, thinking it sure looks gloomy out there, when the clouds broke and a pocket of sunshine smiled down on me. It was so short-lived that it was gone by the time I picked up my camera to capture it. Yet, it was there. For a moment.
It reminded me of the glimpses of hope we have these days. They may be seldom and short-lived and difficult to capture, but they are there and I am so thankful for those moments.
Often I glance at the paraphrase of 1 Corinthians 1:9 on the wall beside our computer and what great hope it gives me.

It's my prayer that you look for these glimpses in your life too. The do the soul good.

He is forever faithful!

Holding Hope

They say that the anticipation of a holiday or upcoming anniversary is often more stressful than the actual day. I was counting on that at Christmas, but it wasn't so. Christmas was harder than I could have imagined. So, now I'm not sure what to think about Mikail's upcoming heavenly birthday. I'd like to just hibernate and wake up in spring to find that I survived it.

This week I feel completely useless. Our nights are short as Olivia has been waking up with nightmares and fears at 4 a.m. every morning for two weeks now. We are exhausted and irritable and I feel like it's safer to 'just be' than find the energy to do life with people other than us three (not healthy, I know). Christmas is still boxed up in bins in our front entrance. The tree is bare, but still up and Olivia makes sure it is still lit every day. Where's the energy to dismantle it and bring the boxes to the basement? The ironing is piled high, even though I managed to iron 5 shirts tod…

One Word

Every year, for several years, I have forgone New Year's Resolutions (because seriously, by January 5th I've already failed) and picked one word to help me focus on throughout the year. It's the only 'resolution' that's worked for me.

Last year the word I chose was the word blessed. By January 23rd I didn't know how, after losing Mikail, I could ever feel blessed. Why would God lead me to such a word? How can one feel blessed after the unexpected loss of your oldest child? I quickly learned that there were blessings in the small things and every day I would look for something or someone that blessed me and by the end of 2015 I knew that even though life is hard, really hard, we are truly blessed.

For 2016 I thought about keeping on with the word Blessed, or choosing a word such as faith or joy, but after much thought and prayer I've decided that my one word for 2016 is the word hope. Why hope?  Here's why:

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for…