We were warned that three months following Mikail's death would be a difficult milestone for us. We prepared ourselves and were ready. Six months following his death, was a given--it would be difficult. What we didn't expect was that the nine month anniversary would be the toughest time since January 23, 2015. We didn't see it coming. It was brutal.
It reminded me of the day, many years ago, when I was at the beginning of my cancer journey, and I crumpled to the floor in my parent's kitchen, sobbing. Thinking, I can't do this anymore. That year is mostly a blur to me. I have very few memories of it, but I do know that that moment, was a turning point for me. A sort of 'crossroad'.
I wonder if I will look back and see this difficult day/weekend/week/month--the ninth month since Mikail went home, as a turning point in my grief journey? I hope so. They say that the monthly anniversaries of the date of his death will become less of a complication in our grief journey.
There are only a few 'firsts' left until the one year anniversary. We have Jason's birthday, Christmas, New Years, and Nana's birthday (the last family celebration where Mikail was present) left as 'firsts' in this first year of grief.
Jason and I were talking about what Christmas would be like this year. We both agreed that it's going to be hard, yet we are looking forward to it in a way we have never looked forward to Christmas before--and we LOVE Christmas. We get to celebrate the birth of Jesus!!! Because of His birth and later His death and resurrection, our future is secure. We know that heaven is our forever home and we get to join Mikail there one day. That's huge!!
So, as the seasons changed this past year...first winter into spring, spring into summer, summer into fall, and now fall into winter, we are coming full circle in this messy, unbearable, beautiful, ugly, soul refining, holy thing called grief.