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When there are no answers...what then?

I have been holding onto a prayer for a while and yesterday I let it go.

Although we knew the cause of Mikail's death, I hoped and prayed that the autopsy would reveal something, anything, to help us make sense of this all. Mikail had a stroke at birth and this put him at risk for additional seizures or another stroke, although he hadn't had any more since he was 2 days old, he was at risk. If his death was related to a seizure or a stroke, I feel like this would all make a lot more sense. As if this would be one answer in a sea of a million I have that have gone unanswered.

Yesterday we received the official coroners report, the forensic autopsy report, and the toxicology report. There was nothing new to report. Nothing unusual. Nothing surprising. There was nothing underlying related to his infant stroke. There is no logic behind his death. A series of minor viral infections masked a serious bacterial infection (Invasive Group A Strep) hiding the broncho-pneumonia that took his life. There is no logic to that. Like the coroner told me the day after Mikail passed away, "This was an unfortunate lightening strike situation".

An estimated 700 million Group A Strep infections occur worldwide each year. While the overall mortality rate for these infections is 0.1%, over 650,000 of the cases are severe and invasive (IGAS), and have a mortality rate of 25%. That's only 162, 500 deaths worldwide each year. In Canada 1/100,000 people are infected per year.  How rare is that? And why Mikail? He was such a fighter. He was such an over-comer. Why him?

We won't ever know, this side of heaven.

How sweet that moment will be.

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; 
and there shall be no more death, 
neither sorrow, nor crying, 
neither shall there be any more pain: 
for the former things are passed away.
 Revelation 21:4

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  1. I can't imagine the unbelievable emptiness of so much loss with no answers. I think of you often as I tuck my 3 year old son Vaughn into bed at night. Even, as a stranger far removed from you and your family, the questions come to me, "How could this have" And the full realization that it could be anyone at anytime and never can any moment be taken as certain...for...granted. My heart goes out to you, especially with the news that there will be no further explanation or the small peace of new answers.

    Nancy Simpson

    1. Thank you, Nancy. Your compassion makes us less than strangers.

  2. I hurt for you. I'm sorry. You're right. This just sucks, and it hurts. I wish for you that you could have answers this side of heaven. For us both.

    1. I hold you in my prayers every day, Talena. I wish for answers for you too.


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