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Showing posts from June, 2015

Big, Strong and Brave

Olivia has been enjoying Veggie Tales lately. It has been a natural way for us to teach her a little bit about plots in stories having 'good' and 'bad' and how to deal with life when 'scary parts' come up.  I don't want her to grow up and not do things because they are scary to her or make her nervous. There's so much great stuff in life that I think we need to teach our children how to balance the good and the bad and work on bravery instead allowing the spirit of fear to rule our lives. In my own personal experience the spirit of fear is a very tricky tool that the enemy uses to hold us back from the potential God has for us.

Olivia's (and most kid's) natural reaction to when something scary happens, is to run. To turn off the T.V., to run away from a challenge, to stay where it is safe. These are very important instincts to have, but too often I have found myself staying with in the 'safe' parameters of life and in the process missing…

Keep on Keepin' On

So, the other day we are driving somewhere and Olivia is watching the Veggie Tales movie: Sumo of the Opera. Yeah, I know. Opera and sumo wrestling. Two of my favourites (insert sarcasm). As I was driving, I was drawn to the lyrics of one of the songs:

A sumo can't go wrong
When he keeps on keepin' on.
Put up a fight
For what is right—
Don't quit until you're done

Until that final bell.
God loves it when we finish well...
So don't quit stop –
Just keep on keepin' on!
Just keep on keepin' on!

There are times in this grief journey where I just want it to stop. I can't go on with the pain. Just when it eases a bit and we get a tiny glimpse of normal life, something is triggered and we are back into the deep end of it. The memories, the flashbacks, the guilt, the missing, the mourning. It becomes unbearable. This week has been one of those weeks. Unbearable. This time the trigger was Father's Day and the 5 month anniversary of Mikail's death. The…

With Love...

We thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new. We thought about you yesterday, and days before that too.
Your memory is our keepsake, from which we never part.  God has you in his keeping, we have you in our heart. 
We were invited to a picnic with Mikail's class at school today. His classmates planted three beautiful little butterfly gardens as well as a tree in his memory.

We all held hands as we gathered around the tree and spent a few moments remembering him. As the principal said something to the effect of: Although Mikail is not with us physically, he is here with us in his own special way, the most beautiful dragon fly fluttered our way and landed right in front of us. So touching.

We were given a book the class had written together. The poem at the beginning of this blog entry comes from this book and the class recited it for us as well. 5 red gerbera daisies (they didn't know that this is the flower Mikail always chose for me when he and Daddy bought me flowers.…

Quiet Time

Do you have a "Quiet Time" spot in your home? I've never really had one until a few weeks ago when Jason bought this leather chair for our bedroom. It is the perfect spot for reading, praying, and crying.

My journal, and the two books I'm reading through as spiritual encouragement are close by.

Last week a package arrived in the mail and in it was this beautiful prayer shawl, knit together with love and prayers in each stitch. It is so cozy and comforting. What a beautiful gesture from dear family friends.

My coffee seems to always make its way to my Quiet Time corner.

I wanted to hang something on the wall behind the chair, but wasn't sure what. I checked all of our framed art and photos and knew tat this painting was the one. We bought it in Costa Rica on our "Baby Moon" in 2009. There is so much symbolism in this painting for me.

Do you have a spot to go to where you can "just be" and think and pray and laugh and cry? What does yours loo…

I don't have the time for this, but...

Everyone has something they love to do. For me it's creating.

Whether it's creating with words, creating with paper and photos, or creating new out of old.

Creating with words happens on a daily basis. It's my therapy.

Creating with paper and heart isn't ready for this just yet, but it flutters with excitement at the fun it will be when I am ready.

Creating new out of old. I have almost a year of collected 'old' things that have been waiting to be made new. I always push it aside because there's other stuff that is more important or needs to be done. Today there were many more important things and many other things that needed to be done, but I left them. I picked a few 'old' things and took the first steps in making them 'new'.

Here's a sneak peek:

I shutter at the potential here. Pinterest, here I come!

Our future computer desk from a well loved dining room table.  KILLZ Primer and spray paint. My love language.
It felt goo…

Healing Notes

Music has always been an important part of my life.Whether it was singing Alle Meine Entchen, Jesus Loves Me, or Muede Bin Ich Geh Zur Ruh as a young child, singing in a children's choir at church, playing in the school band, singing in the Chamber Choir in high school, or making mixed tapes (later CDs and playlists) to listen to and going to various concerts. My music preferences have always been quite eclectic. From the Beatles to Fred Penner. From Vivalidi to Creedance Clearwater Revival. From the 'Red Mennonite Hymnal' to Hillsong United. From Ingrid Michaelson to TFK and may as well throw in a bit of Brad Paisely and James Taylor.

So when our computer was finally set up again after 10 months in storage, I started a new playlist I am calling 'Healing'. Sometimes I wonder whether I should divide it into two playlists: "Mourning" and "Healing". Some songs bring me to immediate tears while others fill me with hope. At the moment my mourning an…

When there are no answers...what then?

I have been holding onto a prayer for a while and yesterday I let it go.

Although we knew the cause of Mikail's death, I hoped and prayed that the autopsy would reveal something, anything, to help us make sense of this all. Mikail had a stroke at birth and this put him at risk for additional seizures or another stroke, although he hadn't had any more since he was 2 days old, he was at risk. If his death was related to a seizure or a stroke, I feel like this would all make a lot more sense. As if this would be one answer in a sea of a million I have that have gone unanswered.

Yesterday we received the official coroners report, the forensic autopsy report, and the toxicology report. There was nothing new to report. Nothing unusual. Nothing surprising. There was nothing underlying related to his infant stroke. There is no logic behind his death. A series of minor viral infections masked a serious bacterial infection (Invasive Group A Strep) hiding the broncho-pneumonia that took…