Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Regret



When I look at Mikail’s four and a half years of life before January 22nd, I can say there are no regrets. We were intentional and lived life fully. Sure, I wish I had been more patient at times, but which Mama doesn’t wish for that?  When I look back at the last 24 hours of Mikail’s life I am filled with deep regret. This regret holds no logic, but it still runs deep within my heart and soul.

Over and over we have been told there is nothing that we could have or should have done differently. Had we taken Mikail to the ER, we would have been sent home and the outcome would have been the same.

When the Coroner called us after the autopsy to tell us that the cause of death was pneumonia masked by a viral infection (RSV), he said that had this happened to him and his wife (also a doctor), they would be planning their son’s funeral. This was a tragic lightning strike situation. When, two days later we were told that I.G.A.S. (invasive group a strep) was found as well, this logic was confirmed again.

But how does one tell a mother and father’s heart and soul what the mind knows?  Why didn’t we take him in to the E.R.?  Why? Because the highest his fever was, was 102.8 and we were able to keep it down with advil and Tylenol. Why? Because he was drinking, peeing, and eating. He was not lethargic. He was responsive and walking around. He had a cold (RSV) and it completely masked the killer that was in him. But we should have known, we are his parents after all. We should have had some sort of instinct to take him in to the E.R. And it is those thoughts that feed my regret. If only we had known. If only. If only. Maybe then I’d be writing a blog post about how fed up I was with Olivia and Mikail’s sibling squabbles or the crazy amount of construction paper ‘projects’ he would stuff in his backpack at school everyday only to empty out at home and leave lying around e.v.e.r.y.w.h.e.r.e. instead of about the inner battle of regret I am fighting. Oh how I miss that squabbling and I sure miss all those construction paper ‘projects’ he so dearly loved.

“Regret is an appalling waste of energy. You can’t build on it. It is only for wallowing in.”
–Katherine Mansfield

And THIS is why I have to move beyond the heart and soul regret I feel. There’s nothing to build on. It is not helpful. It is a waste of energy and only allows for wallowing.

My regret lies only in the 24 hours before Mikail’s death. I have none before that and I have none after that. It is simply those twenty four hours. Now how does one move through that regret? The regret that you know makes no logical sense, but still weighs heavy on your heart. That regret and guilt is filled with so many emotions it’s exhausting.

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