Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Being Real



It seems like the cycle of illness just doesn’t come to an end for us. After Mikail’s death, we were put on antibiotics as a precaution because of the Group A Strep that got invasive in Mikail. Then after we got back from Cuba, all three of us got the worst flu I have ever experienced. I requested having our throats swabbed again at the time (a mother’s hunch?) and Group A Strep came back positive for all three of us. Back on antibiotics. Then a few days after we were done those antibiotics, Olivia and I both got the same flu as we had before. Nasty. We are just getting over that, and although she is still fighting a low grade fever, she is as lively and active as she usually is and the doctor isn’t concerned. With all this, and the deep grief we are feeling, I am so exhausted that this whole concept of ‘choosing’ to move forward in a positive manner is a challenge. It would be so much easier to not choose.

We are in the middle of negotiations on the purchase of a beautiful property and that adds to the stress of things too. What makes it challenging is that we have to have a quick closing date. The car dealership that owns the house we are in, is tearing this house down in May. We have to be out by May 1st so we have little wiggle room for the possession date. Although there are many options for places for us to stay for two weeks, there are little to no options for as to where we can keep our ‘stuff’. Truthfully, we have been living with 90% of our belongings in the moving trailer we moved here in June of 2014. It is time to unpack and ‘be home’. This too adds stress right now.

Why am I writing this? To complain? No! The reason is, is because I wrote this long post about making the ‘choice’ to move forward in a positive manner a little while ago. It sounds all nice and encouraging in a post, but I just want to be real with you and tell you, it’s not easy to make that choice every day. Every hour. Every minute. It is exhausting. Today I don’t want to make that choice. I’ve been short with Jason and Olivia. I am constantly on the verge of tears and I just want something.to.go.our.way.

So, here I am being accountable to you all. Today sucks. And to any of my EBC ladies reading this going to Ladies Morning Coffee tomorrow...if I am not there, kick me in the behind. There is no excuse. I should be there. I am not sick. I am not busy. If I am not there, I have made the choice to mope at home because that seems easier and that is wrong!

But to ensure you that I am also having a lot of good moments, here is something I wrote a few mornings ago:


“When the Dawn is Still Dark”

This morning I woke up around 6 a.m. and the first light was just coming over the horizon. My world is still blanketed with deep snow, but somehow in this early morning hour I could almost feel the first touches of spring. The snow is deep, but the early light and the later sunset are a promise that warmer weather is around the corner—even though the temperature and the white world around me show no promise of the beautiful green summer I so long for.

I remember lying in bed at my grandparent’s house or my aunt and uncles house in Paraguay when we would visit. Before dawn would wake, the beautiful doves would start their mournful songs, even in the early morning darkness. Even in the darkness they knew of the promise of light and a new day just around the corner.

Faith
is the bird
that feels the light
And sings
when the dawn
is still dark.
--Rabindranath Tagore

That ‘feeling’ of spring around the corner felt like such a surprising, hopeful promise in this season of grief. Spring is coming. Perhaps there is a promise of spring in our hearts too.  A brighter time on the horizon.


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