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Showing posts from December, 2012

Depression - Part IV - Sleep

For me this journey of Post Partum Depression weighs heavily on one fact: sleep (or the lack of it).

Olivia seemed to come out of her extreme colic state around 4 months or so. Hooray. Finally, more sleep at night and more happy moments during the day. Then at 5 months I developed a bad case of double mastitis. It was so bad that I couldn't just go on antibiotics that were safe for baby to ingest through breastmilk. I had to go on pain killers and anti-inflammatories. Not safe for babe. The cold turkey weaning was h.e.l.l. for Olivia and after going through that with her and finally getting her to drink formula from a bottle without screaming and thrashing, we decided that it was best for everyone if I just stopped nursing her. The doctor had suggested we rent a pump so I could pump and keep up my milk supply while on the medication. Sounds ideal, but it completely threw me for a loop. Feeding a screaming baby formula and then after that sitting there and pumping too, while baby …

Depression - Part III - Prayer

What does a person do when they are in the depths of despair? When depression hits? I think it is different for everyone, but one thing I have found really helpful is

Often it feels like I just don't have time to pray. Truthfully it is probably an excuse. It takes time and energy and introspection. All of which are lacking in life right now. It seemed like I can't gather my thoughts enough to express myself in daily life, never mind prayer. Then I emailed a dear friend who suggested Saint Ignatius' Prayer of Examen. This isn't something new. It's actually really quite old ~ 400 years old. Truth be told, I am not Catholic and I don't have a Catholic background, yet at times I find the ritualistic ways of Catholicism comforting and helpful. Especially when I can't seem to gather my thoughts and need something step by step.

St. Ignatius Loyola encouraged prayer-filled mindfulness by proposing what has been called the Daily Examen. The Examen is a tech…

Depression - Part II - Post Partum Depression

In my last post I shared my own background in regards to depression. Today we fast-forward another five years and we get to 2012.

It's been a difficult couple of years, with much blessing sprinkled in the tough times. God is so incredibly good. Mikail's birth, prognosis, diagnosis, therapies, Olivia's birth, colic, my mastitis, Olivia's (possible) asthma issues etc.

It all came to head about three weeks after I was forced to  stopp(ed) nursing Olivia. I was emotional, out of sorts, and in a complete fog. I had an unexplainable growing anger that scared me. After three more weeks of this I finally got up the courage to put words to what I was feeling and I spilled my fears to Jason. I feared that I had post partum depression. His reaction? Not at all what I expected. I thought he would be disappointed in me or angry with me. I don't know why I thought that, because he's a gentle soul. He'd never be disappointed in me or angry with me. His reaction? He hugge…

Shhhh...'s not something easily talked about.

"Mental Illness". It's just not a 'safe' thing to bring up as dinner conversation. And that is too bad. It needs to be talked about. It needs to be okay to talk about, so that others who are struggling in the dark will find the courage to receive help and climb out of the dark pit and enjoy the light and enjoyment of daylight once again.

So, I'm going to do just about it, right here. It may take a few posts, because who likes a l.o.n.g. post that seemingly never ends? Not me!

So here it is. My first entry:

Depression: Part One

I have always been an introverted person. A deep thinker. An old soul. I don't know whether that predisposes me to bouts of depression. I don't think so. I think it helps me dig deep within to find the source of the darkness and climb my way out of the crevasse and find the daylight and enjoyment of life once again.

The first time I was diagnosed with 'Depression…